


Not sacred

by Peacheygukkie



Category: Jay Park (Musician)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Porn, Cheating, Creampie, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Heavy Angst, Hotel Sex, Infidelity, Penis In Vagina Sex, Sad Ending, Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-19
Updated: 2018-08-26
Packaged: 2019-06-29 15:43:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15732471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Peacheygukkie/pseuds/Peacheygukkie
Summary: You and Jay have been together for years, but together doesnt count when you're a mistress. He's engaged and you're in love but love doesnt always lead to happily ever afters.





	1. Im not her

**Author's Note:**

> Hiii i don't know how long this is going to be but theres no happy ending to this im sorry.

When you were younger the last thing you ever would have considered being was a mistress to a celebrity. In fact, the idea of encouraging a man to cheat on his partner in any way disgusted you, but that was years ago when you were young and naive, still believing that love meant something, that it was something sacred and pure. 

Fast forward a few short years, and sitting in a hotel room waiting for Jay to finish his phone call with his fiancé back home seems like the only place it made sense for you to be on a Saturday night.

“I’ll be home in three weeks,” you hear through the cracked bathroom door, “I miss you too baby girl. Goodnight.”

It used to bother you to hear him talk to her, guilt crept into your belly settling like stones with every sentimental exchange, knowing you were contributing to some yet unknown misery, but that part of you died long ago. You had been with Jay for most of his relationship, you’d seen him go from a lonely guy on the road with money to spend and a cock that wouldn’t quit, to a man struggling to find happiness in an engagement that was more for her than himself. 

You wanted what she had. Jay’s ring, plans to take his name, the ability to wake up to him every day and live a normal life, but with all those desires came the knowledge that he’d never really be yours. He’d never really be anyone’s. If he cheated on her, he’d cheat on you too, but you preferred being the secret.

“Sorry princess,” he sighed as he stepped out of the bathroom, his shirt left abandoned on the counter, “You know how she gets at night.”

“I know,” you chuckle through a forced smile, adjusting your crossed legs as he approached, “It’s fine, I’m just eager to get you to myself for the rest of the night.” Your eyelids drool gently, giving him your best bedroom eyes.

“I’m all yours, baby.” He crooned pulling you to your feet, his eyes sparkling with lust behind slightly curled bits of hair that framed his face, making him looking much more like a teenager than the mature and intelligent man you’d come to love.

It was a lie you learned to enjoy in small doses.

His arms wrapped around your waist, hands settling on your ass with a squeeze as his lips found your neck. You couldn’t help but sigh as he set to work kissing and nipping at the sensitive skin of your throat, your arms winding around his neck, your hips pressing forward against his.

“I want you Jay…” you moaned softly, your lips brushing his ear, your tongue slipping out to tease at his earlobe, delighting in the rough sound that worked its way from his throat.

You knew all the buttons to press to push him over the edge, and as much as this was all about Jay, you wanted something out of it too, and that meant you had to get creative with the way you pushed those buttons. 

His grip on your ass loosened, his hands drifting slowly up your hips giving you the perfect opportunity to turn in his arms, pressing your ass back against his hips, his lips once again finding your throat as you moved. Your hands found his on your waist, lacing your fingers gently as you swayed your hips, feeling the beginnings of his erection press against your supple flesh. Through all the self loathing this relationship had created in you, that moment you could feel just what you did to him was still your favorite thing in the world.

You knew that you had his attention, and now it was time to direct him for as long as he would allow. You slowly drug his hand from where it sat at your waist, down your thigh, your own thumb catching the hem of your wine colored cocktail dress. The hand still at your waist slipped upward, cupping your breast through the fabric of your dress and the lacy black bra beneath, as the hand at your thigh slipped up between your legs, his fingers brushing gently over your clit making you gasp.

“Yes baby girl, you love the way daddy touches you don’t you?” He purred against your ear.

“Don’t call me what you call her,” you whimpered through the pleasure of his hands on your body, “I’m not her.”

“I’m sorry princess,” he corrected himself as he pressed against you.

If you thought about it for too long, resentment and bitterness would cloud your vision but you couldn’t handle it tonight. You couldn’t handle the feedback loop of self loathing and feelings of inadequacy, so to keep them at bay, you broke from his grasp, forcing a seductive smirk as you turned to face him, making a show of slipping your dress from your body.

It was a dress he’d bought for you, paired with lingerie he’d picked out himself. He liked dressing you nearly as much as he liked undressing you, and you had to admit the way that predatory lust clouded his eyes when he saw you in his clothes, dressed up in his money, made you wet. 

His eyes followed the dress down to the floor, pausing only twice to take in the sight of your breasts in black lace and lick his lips at your hips in matching black. 

You knew from the time your dress came off it was only moments before he was on you like a fox let loose in a hen house.

“You look so fuckin good princess, god damn.” He moaned, palming himself through his jeans.

“Well, what are you waiting for? Come get me.” You purred, sitting back down on the bed, your thighs spread in invitation. 

He smirked, a dangerous thing on his lips, it made you burn in ways you never believed possible before him. He slid his knee between your thighs, one hand caressing your cheek gently, as he kissed you. His lips warm and soft against yours, his tongue probing at your mouth, the taste of champagne still lingering. He took your breath away, the lack of oxygen and desperation to make the moment last clouding your mind, stirring up emotions you’d attempted to kill time and time before.

In your haze you’d entirely lost track of his hands, so when he grips your thighs, tugging you toward him it catches you off guard pulling a surprised yelp from your throat as you fall back across the plush mattress.

“I’ve wanted you all damn night,” he mutters almost to himself as his hands work your panties down your thighs, “You're mine you know that?” He asks as he finally rids your body of the first slip of lace.

“Yes daddy…” You moan, feeling your body clench around nothing in an act of impatience.

He growls and you feel yourself drip.

The time it takes him to get your bra off and across the room must be some sort of record, you think to yourself, but its short lived, cut off by the warmth of his mouth closing around your nipple. The feeling makes you gasp, your body arching up off the bed, making every attempt to push your flesh deeper into his mouth, desperate for more. But just as the feeling begins, it ends, leaving his saliva to cool on your skin in the chilly air around you as he strips himself.

You’d been with him for years, but every time you saw him before you, cock hard and throbbing for you, you only got hungrier for him. You couldn't help but moan at the sight of him, waiting for the moment he’d give you what you needed. It didn't take long, both of you desperate for the other, taking and giving just enough to keep yourselves addicted, cutting out the chatter and wasted time.

His hands traced your thighs, spreading you further to give himself room ad he lined his cock to your entrance and pressed in you both moaning at the feeling of each other.

“Fuck, Daddy…” you whined, your arms circling his neck, fingers finding purchase in his hair as he leaned over you, once again capturing a nipple between his lips.

You were both experienced at this dance, neither needing much time to adjust. 

His hips started slow, pressing in deep before pulling back out, finding a steady rhythm that made you whine like a cat in heat. He loved the sounds you made, and loved knowing that he was the only one that could pull them out of you.

His lips crashed down on yours again, the kiss hot and desperate, lips and tongues fighting for dominance as your bodies worked together to bring each other to ecstasy. His cock brushed something inside you that made stars burst behind your closed eyes, gasping into the kiss as you threw your head back, your fingers tightening in his hair.

“Fuck yeah princess, let daddy make you feel good. Cum for me.” He insisted his hips working harder against yours in an attempt to push you past your breaking point.

“F-fuck daddy im g-gonna cum!” You whimpered, your body baring down on him as you approached orgasm.

“Yeah thats it princess, cum for me…” he moaned kissing his way down your throat, his own hips snapping hard and fast, losing rhythm as his own orgasm neared.

A single snap of his hips, his cock slamming your g-spot was all it took to have you screaming his name, your whole body wracking with the force of your orgasm.

“F-fuck baby girl!” He cried as your orgasm pushed him over his own peak, filling you with his cum.

But the name shattered what should have been a beautiful after-glow with the man you adored.

“Get off me.” You muttered, pushing at his shoulders as he breathed heavy against your throat

“Get off!” You demanded when he didn't move, using what little strength you had to push him off.

“Baby whats wrong?” He asked, shocked and confused as you stood on shaky legs making your way to the bathroom, fighting back the tears that stung your eyes

He attempted to follow you but you had the door locked in his face before he could get to you. 

“Baby please… please talk to me, what did i do wrong?” He asked forehead pressed to the door.

All he got in return was the sound of your sobs echoed off the perfect marble floors.

You didn't have the strength to answer him, not able to find the words to tell him what you knew deep down.

You could never be his.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jay attempts to make things better but really it’s only getting worse from here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is all angst I’m sorry.

The next morning you found yourself waiting for him once again, this time at a brunch table on a sunny terrace. He’d summoned you, wanting to talk about why you locked yourself in your hotel bathroom until he left.

You didn’t want to talk about it.

But when Jay’s body guard knocked on your door with an outfit in hand you couldn’t say no, no matter how badly you wanted to. So much to your dismay you sat, and you waited.

It was a beautiful day, a beautiful table, a beautiful brunch, and he of course had you in a beautiful dress, but the storm of feelings that raged in your belly was ugly.

When he finally arrived you couldn’t help the smile that touched your lips, he looked so good it damn near made you angry, with his hair pushed back away from his face, his skin glowing and his eyes bright.

“You look incredible princess,” he hummed as he greeted you with a kiss, “That dress looks amazing on you.”

“Thank you, you always keep me looking flawless” you cooed back, your smile just as forced as it was the night before.

“You know I gotta take care of my girl,” he gives you an adoring smile, “and on that note you know we need to talk. Locking me out last night wasn’t okay and you know I need to make sure everything is good between us.”

He put on that stern business tone you hated and it took every ounce of patience you had not to roll your eyes.

“Jay, it’s fine. I’m fine, _we_ are fine. I was just overwhelmed and I panicked. I’m sorry, it won’t happen again.”

The lie sounded bad even to your own ears.

“Mhmm,” he nodded through a sip of champagne and you knew he was preparing to call you on your shit, “Are you sure about that? Or do you want to try that again?”

The smirk on his face didn’t keep you from rolling your eyes this time.

“No I don’t want to try it again because I’m not lying to you.” You snapped, crossing your arms over your chest.

“Right, okay well, let me tell you what I see from my side of the table.”

He leaned back in his chair and you knew you were in for an argument, but you nodded anyway, letting him know you weren’t backing down just because he had his Daddy pants on for the day.

“What I see is this sexy little momma in a dress, heels, and lingerie that _I_ bought, pouting because she has a problem that she don’t want to talk about like that’s somehow my fault. So, you can either put that attitude away and talk it out like a grown woman, or I can send your ass home and you don’t have to spend the next three weeks traveling with me and being taken care of. You can go home and I can lose your number and you can carry on with your life because I’m not playing with some little girl shit. We’re grown ass adults, and if you can’t be in a relationship like grown ass adults you can go home.”

His words shook you, your face dropped from one of petulant annoyance to one of fear and longing. You had no idea what to do or say, knowing that you did have a problem that you absolutely at no cost wanted to talk about. Besides how exactly were you supposed to say ‘I’m so jealous of your fiancé it’s breaking me down and I hate that I let you fuck me again in again because I know when you eventually leave it’s going to destroy me.’

“Jay…” you sighed, dropping your hands into your lap to fidget with the fabric of your skirt, “I’m sorry, I am I feel awful. You take such good care of me, and I don’t want to go home, I love you and I love travelling with you, it’s just…”

You worried your bottom lip between your teeth as you thought over the right way to phrase as much of your feelings as you wanted to share with him.

“You called her name when you came in me last night. I’m not her, and the thought that you think about her when you’re with me fucks me up in a way that I can’t explain. I’m _not_ her. I’m better than her. I make you happy.” Tears pricked at your eyes as you spoke.

You hated feeling vulnerable but something about him broke down all of your walls, and while you hadn’t really put all of your feelings out on the line, you still said more than you had wanted to. Jealousy was an ugly color you never wanted him to see on you, you felt disgusting for saying so much, for letting him see you that way.

“Baby what are you talking about I didn’t call her name…”

He took your hand, his tone concerned and his eyes searching your face as if he was rewinding and replaying the night again and again in his head trying to figure out where he went wrong.

“You called me baby girl.” You muttered, tears dripping down your cheeks, leaving tracks through your makeup in ugly smeared lines

“Fuck…” he murmured, “Princess I’m sorry. You know I never meant to hurt you, but you should have talked to me about this last night, I can’t make things better if I don’t know.”

He brought your knuckles to his lips to kiss them gently, his free hand moving to cup your cheek wiping tears away gently.

“Let’s finish breakfast and I’ll spend the whole day making it up to you.” He hummed leaning across the space between you to press gentle kisses across you cheeks.

You were helpless to deny him.

Breakfast passed in relative quiet aside from the occasional chatter from Jay between shooting off emails and instagramming the view from your private terrace breakfast before you were herded into a blacked out SUV and swept off to whatever plans He’d made to keep you happy.

You couldn’t deny that the idea of a day just for the two of you made you a bit more optimistic about the state and future of your relationship with him, you loved him and he loved you and that was the most you could ask for.

“Where are we going?” You asked with a sweet smile as you watched the wold pass by your window.

“it’s a surprise.” He murmured leaning into you to press hot open mouthed kisses to your throat.

You moaned gently, your lip bitten between your teeth as you let him lavish you with affection, you mind clear of guilt or sadness for the first time in days. You knew his surprises were always incredible, there was no need to question him.

When the car slowed to a stop, the view out the window gave you no clues as to where you might be, the damp concrete and drab walls of a back alleyway your only clues.

He took your hand, leading you out of the car and through the waiting open door into what could only be described as heaven.

The thick lingering scent of lavender and eucalyptus hung in the hair, perfectly polished marble tiles stretched along the hallway before you as a woman came to greet you dressed in baby pink scrubs.

“Welcome to Eden day spa.” She smiled offering you and Jay robes and towels.

You flashed him a smile as you were both whisked away to begin your day of relaxation.

A spa therapist spent what felt like an eternity rubbing you down with delectable smelling oils and hot stones, working away every negative emotion and tense muscle in your body before leading you down a series of winding halls into an open room filled with beautiful peonies and lit candles surrounding crystal clear warm pools.

Jay sat waiting for you at the edge of one pool, nothing but a towel slung low on his waist.

“Enjoying yourself princess?” He grinned as you approached, glowing and on cloud nine.

“Today has been perfect Jay, gosh I haven’t felt this relaxed in ages.” You admitted a bit sheepishly as you removed your robe and sunk down into the water with a soft moan.

“Well it’s not over yet, so as soon as you’re ready we can head to part two.” He cooed petting a hand through your hair.

The idea that he had something to top off the incredible day he’d already given you had you too giddy to delay it any longer, and after just a few moments of soaking you once again were ushered into the SUV Jay traveled in and off to your next destination.

It wasn’t a terribly long ride, Jays head rested in your lap, content to let you run your fingers through his hair as you went.

The next destination was one you knew well as you pulled around back, it was a shop you’d been to often with Jay. An Alexander McQueen shop, he was your favorite designer after all.

As you step out of the car one of Jays guards you knew as Christopher rounded the car looking worried,

“Boss we got an issue,” he said thumbing toward the shop.

“Take care of it.” Jay insisted as he once again took your hand, leading you away from the car before Christopher had a chance to follow up.

The door swung open, but instead of smiling shop staff greeting you both as usual, the flashing lights of paparazzi cameras blinded you.

Jay dropped your hand on instinct, his bodyguards stepping around you to clear a path into the shop. A familiar voice floated above the commotion but you couldn’t put your finger on who or where it was coming from until-

“Seoyeon?”

Jay sounded surprised as she turned to face you both.

“Jay baby!” She all but squealed as she jumped into his arms.

Your heart sank to your feet.

“Baby girl, what are you doing here?” He muttered wrapping his arms around here, casting a glance over his shoulder at you.

Tears welled in your eyes but you put on your bravest face stepping behind one of his guards before she had the chance to see you.

“I missed you so much I flew out overnight to see you! I missed you at the hotel this morning but then I remembered I have your schedule synched to my calendar! What are you doing here?” Her voice sounded worse in person

“It’s my new assistants birthday, I wanted to get her a gift.” He hummed as he kissed her.

You could feel your resolve breaking, you had to leave. Without out a word you turned to leave, Christopher following you back out of the store as the other guards took position around Jay and Seoyeon.

Christopher helped you back into the car, concerned eyes looking you over as you wiped tears from your cheeks before he closed the door and made his way back around to the drivers side.

“You okay angel?” He asked as the SUV roared to life.

You and him had always had a good relationship, he’d seen you and protected you through the ups and downs, you trusted him with your life more than any one else.

“I don’t think so Chris…” you whimpered into the back of your hand.

“He loves you, you know?” He reminded you.

It surely was meant to be a sentimental gesture, but it felt more like a searing knife to the chest.

“But will he ever love me more than he wants to protect her? When will my feelings matter as much as hers?” It was a rhetorical question.

The sadness that hung in the air between you both felt like, ocean water rising faster than you could swim, threatening to invade your lungs.

“I think it’s time I go home Christopher.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me on Tumblr if you like my works!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leaving isn’t always as easy as it seems

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi so this chapter gets a little iffy. If emotional abuse/manipulation triggers you please be advised

You wasted no time packing your things when you got back to the hotel. One of the perks of living out of suitcases was that everything you had was ready to go within a moment's notice. 

You stood at the door, eyes scanning over the room memories played in your head different cities, different rooms it didn’t matter, this empty space was a canvas for them all.  

Tears burned in your eyes as memories of waking up in Jay’s arms flashed through your mind, as much as you loved him you had to leave. 

You’d asked Christopher to get you a plane ticket home while you packed. You didn’t know exactly when the flight left but you knew you couldn’t just sit around and wait. You couldn’t sit in your memories, miserable and stewing in resentment.

As you closed the door behind yourself one last time, your phone pinged, the sound alone making your heart drop.

**Jay** : _Don’t leave._

Tears dripped down your cheeks as you stood in the hallway on display for anyone walking by to see. You hated him. You hated him for every moment of happiness he’d given you, for every lie he’d told about how much he loved you, how happy you made him. You hated him for staying with her, knowing one day he’d just throw you away like all the basic Thots that slipped into his Dm’s

**You** : _Goodbye Jay Park._

With that you slipped your phone back into your pocket as you made your way down to the lobby. 

Your phone buzzed again as you made your way out to the SUV that waited to take you to the airport. It felt like lead in your pocket, an anchor weighing you down, begging you to stay still, but you couldn’t let the nostalgia of good memories pull you back under. Your life had been nothing but pain. Every day felt like floating on a sea of lies and heartache adrift a raft of hollow promises.

Christopher took your bags, and in his eyes you could see the things he wanted to say but held back. 

You climbed into the car, letting the door close behind you before you let your tears really flow, letting the weight of your pain crush you. Tears streamed down your flushed cheeks, your chest heaving hard broken breaths as you tried to breathe through the pain of losing everything you ever wanted. 

Your phone rang in your pocket, disrupting the sound of your anguish. You pulled it from your pocket to read Jays name on the screen. 

Every fibre of your being burned to answer it, to let yourself succumb to the addiction again but you couldn’t. You knew that walking away this time meant letting go for good. You pushed deline and tucked your phone back into your pocket.

The SUV roared to life and you watched the hotel get smaller behind you as you drove away. 

How could a day that had been so perfect go so horribly wrong?

“You okay angel?” Christopher asked for the second time in 24 hours.

“No, I just really want to go home.” you whimpered trying to keep your tears at bay.

“I’m gonna miss you. I always liked you better than Seoyeon. I know he does too, but I guess it doesn’t matter when he puts her first does it?” He sighed.

“No, it doesn’t. I love him so much,” you sob softly, taking a moment to compose yourself before continuing, “But I have to love myself more.”

“I’m proud of you for walking away baby,” he murmured, “He doesn’t deserve someone like you.”

“Thank you Chris… I’m going to miss you too.” The realization that all of this would be gone washing over you in a blanket of cold emptiness.

The rest of the ride passed in silence. 

When you arrived at the airport, you gave Chris a hug and he wished you luck before you made your way through to security. 

Your flight didn’t leave for eight hours and getting through security was no task, so you found sitting in a terminal for hours, watching people come and go while your phone buzzed non stop in your pocket. 

With every buzz you had to fight yourself to leave it un-answered. Your throat burned to talk to him, to ask why. Why he would continue to cast you out like you meant nothing? But you knew the answer. You knew he’d never truly settle down with someone like you. It had all been a game you were meant to lose from the start. 

Hours passed by slowly, the endless stream of people moved around you while you sat frozen in place, your heart hardening.

You hadn’t noticed exactly when your phone stopped ringing for good but you know if you checked it at all you’d break down and call him back. You trusted the clock on the wall for the time, letting the hustle and bustle of airport travelers fill your mind like radio static, filtering out the unnecessary thoughts.

The clock on the wall ticked minutes by aimlessly, each minute blending into the next. You watched as twelve twenty nine ticked into twelve thirty when a voice filtered through the static and your heart broke all over again.

“Don’t leave.” He said.

“I’m going Jay, you can’t stop me.” Your voice cracked as you spoke, trying to force back tears. You had cried enough, you wouldn’t shed another tear for him.

You didn’t dare meet his gaze, you didn’t even lift your eyes to look at him, instead staring straight ahead, eyes glued to the clock.

“She’s not staying. She’s catching a flight home in just a few hours, you can come back, you can stay with me, we can enjoy the next few weeks. It doesn’t have to be this way…” He moved toward you but you turned away.

“Right, so I go back with you and pretend that things are fine and in three weeks you send me on my way and go back to her. See, you’re lucky,” you can’t stop the tears this time, “You get to go home and pretend I don’t exist until your next tour rolls around, when you’ll dust my number off because you know I’ll come running. I don’t get that. I get to go home and wonder if you’re happy and how you’re doing because you’re all I have!” You shout tears streaming down your hot cheeks.

“Baby..” he murmured moving to kneel in front of you, forcing you to meet his eyes

“No...” You whimper your chest burning, “Don’t. Don’t do this to me Jay…”

“Baby I promise. I promise it’s different this time. I don’t love her the way I love you, and this time I’m not going back to her. I want you.” He insisted.

You’d heard that lie so many times you knew better, but as he took your hand you felt helpless to deny him. He was your addiction, and somehow he was able to drag you you back kicking and screaming every time. 

“Don’t make me Jay… I can’t..” You whined as he stood, pulling you up out of your seat. You were trapped and you knew it. Everything inside you was fighting him. You wanted to run in the opposite direction, to beg someone to help you, but he pulled you against his chest and you knew there was nothing you could do.

“Let’s go home baby…” He cooed as he grabbed your purse, walking you along and away from the gate. 

You watched your seat and the gate disappeared behind you as your helpless feet let him drag you away.

When you got back to the lobby of the airport, your body still wrapped in Jay’s embrace, it didn’t exactly surprise you to find Christopher waiting with the bags you’d checked. 

Jay had never intended to let you to leave.

“Hey angel…” Chris murmured, worry and guilt in his eyes as he looked you over.

“Hi…” you murmured.

He led the way back out to the car, helping you in before loading your bags into the car.

As the SUV roared to life, Jay pressed his lips to your forehead murmuring softly.

“It’s okay now baby, I promise.”

Things were far from okay, and you knew it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me on Tumblr if you like my works!

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on [Tumblr](https://peacheyhoshi.tumblr.com) if you like my works!


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